April 28, 2008

Magic Tours

Every Monday morning I wake up with a, bang. Always approximately 5 minutes late, which means I have 10 minutes to get ready and leave before I'll be showing up late for my 8 o’clock class. I drive through my charming neighborhood, shaded by old trees, fabulous old houses, no sidewalks, the rose bushes in full bloom in practically every ones’ front yard. We certainly know how to grow roses here, my goodness! I drive out of my neighborhood and surface onto the streets of more stereotypical Fresno, the stop light at Blackstone and Gettysburg to be specific. To my left theres the seven eleven. To my right is the gas station that despite all revenue of gas prices nowadays, managed to go out of business. Now its all fenced and boarded up with out any pumps. Its the one next door to the family owned used car dealership. Often times theres some interestingly clad fresnian waving a red arrow that says “used cars less than $9999!” at the corner. Its always somewhat awkward.  Across the street from the gas station is the out of place t-mobile store with tiny manicured bushes. And across the street from that is the closed Mexican food restaurant. There’s always a couple cars for sale parked on the corner next to the for lease sign. Puhleease who’s going to buy that! But different from any other day of the week when I pull up to this intersection at 7:41 am, is Monday. The light turns green and I drive through the intersection. I always have to wait for the light to turn green. Its a rare day when Im able to hit 2 green lights in a row. Anyways, just behind the t-mobile is a huge parking lot always deserted. It’s the Fresno Ag Hardware parkinglot. I wonder when, if ever, was the last time they were busy enough to need all those kabillion parking spots. Ive never seen more than 5 cars in that lot at one time. But anyways this is where it gets good! Every Monday a crowd of the most bizarre people are standing in the parkinglot. Im talking crowd of people! Like 20 or more. Standing there in a mass about 10 yards away from t-mobiles dumpster.  I certainly don’t know who they are or how they got there. Theres never enough cars in the lot to get them all there. So since last fall, when I started driving to school this route, Ive wondered what on earth are all these people are doing massed in that parking lot. Its super errie. I used to wonder, are they waiting for the trash truck? Maybe its a church prayer walk? Maybe they are comemorating someone's death? Maybe its some strange cult and they are waiting for their leader? Drugs? Illness? UFOs? Ive been stumped this whole time. Then this semester I got a break in my classes from 9-2. But class starts again at 2 so I have to make this drive all over again at that time. Oddly enough the crosswalks were oddly packed with crowds of super weird people on mondays. Walking to I have no idea where. As I drive through the intersection there’s always a plain white charter bus that says “Magic Tours” in the Ag Hardware parking lot. There you have those bizarre people with walkers and limps and Hawiian shirts and windbreakers, getting off a tour bus and dispersing. What kind of a tour picks up people in an Ag Hardware parking lot and what on earth are they touring in Fresno?! On my way home from class this afternoon, which inspired this mysterious account of the adventures in the Ag Hardware parking lot, I almost ran down two old ladies jay walking. I mean seriously Grama? Completely separate from each other, like 20 yards apart, just crossing the street. They were waiting in the middle of the street for cars to stop driving, asking to get run over. Well I take that back, one of them wasn't waiting in the middle of the street, she was just jutting across at her snail like pace hoping cars would stop. So weird. One walked right past the bus stop, the other walked behind the Mexican restaurant so I don’t know where they were going. Twilight zone creepy man. Magic bus. Pishaw!

This is just a mystery that has plagued me all year and I thought I would share it with you. Ill try and get a picture next Monday and post it. Stay tuned.


April 17, 2008

fell asleep

Im trying to be a good student and stay up late and study. i have this weird thing that if im writing or typing when i fall asleep i keep writing and typing but i do it about the stuff im dreaming about. soo... i just did that. I was typing about metatarsus adductus, which as you know, is a common foot structural concern where the metatarsal is adducted (toward midline). anyway i was typing about how if it doesnt go back its a structural deformity. but that its flexible and makes it back to midline. right about flexible i fell asleep. i woke up and had typed. flexible and can most often people order pie. the last time this happened was sophomore year where i turned in that paper where a sentence ended in sandwiches and tomatoes. the time before that it was hand written notes during biology and wrote he went up the stairs. anyway i just thought it was great and everyone is asleep so who am i gonna tell right now?

April 14, 2008

life post hell

a couple of things new... i got back 2 of my test scores from last week. a 55 and a 76. i almost snapped in half. but i had a good weekend. rested at home, watched alot of tv (online), you know. 
went to a super fun party at my friend jannahs (shes a friend i had classes with a couple years ago) its a wine party called the young and sexy partay. and me and my roomate go and get all dressed up. heres some pictures.. my boobs were driving me crazy and yes, im returning that dress. The guy blinking is aubreys boyfriend. the other two guys are some friends of aubreys that i inherited when we became roomates. its cool. and by super fun i gave it a 7 out of 10 on the fun scale. i hate dancing. Aubrey is by far the best friend though.
thats me and jannah. she even made her dress it was super sweet. oh and... i hate picture of me from that angle. alot.
thats my friend luke hes my non dance partner, and we always manage to have fun even when

 forced onto the dance floor.

But the real good news is i had a great time hanging out with the Lord on saturday. we got alot of built up ish dealt with. I keep getting into this need to prove im good enough. then go independent then ruin things and because ive ruined them i need to fix them which only makes things worse then i get self loathing and disappointed in myself. oh its this horrible positive feedback loop that just makes me sick. basically i just needed to hear from the lord that he wants to restore me. he is such a god of restoration. he loves me even when im a waste of a life and a major disappointment and failure. and thats exactly what he said to me. hopefully my papers and test this week wont be as bad. 

April 8, 2008

3 out of 10

so im having a really hard couple weeks. im super stressed and mostly exhausted. i have 4 tests this week and 3 papers. yuck. do they really think this kind of pace is ok? sheesh!
so after a test i took last thursday i vented at the bottom of a power point. anna said i should go ahead and put it in here. i think its pretty raw. 

"I know I’m not going to be able to remember how infuriated I am in like 5 minutes but I’m ridiculously pissed. I could cuss and scream and cry. I’m going to fail out of pt school. Who studies for a test, takes it and then it looks like she just messed her way through it? Now I have 2 classes to worry about getting B's in. I’m not cut out for this. I feel like the lord is just letting me hang out to dry. Where are you!! I’m so angry I can barely breath. I don’t ‘f’ing care about women and heart disease. Why give us a quiz that tricks you? Why would you do that? I’m not going to give feedback in class today, I’m not going to participate. I’m also not going to cry… yet. I don’t think anyone should be around me. How can I be so wretched. How can I have such a foul temper. I will be fine. God didn’t get me this far just to be like ok amy fly on your own. He never even wants me to fly on my own. I am having trouble running to him though. What’s stopping me? What’s keeping me back? I’ve got an absolutely impossible week coming up and I’m freaking out because I feel completely alone. I know that I fail when I do things on my own so I’m starting to fall into despair. I cant balance an aspect of my life independently. I didn’t even get myself this far in life, He did. So how can I carry it on without His help? I mean I could, no doubt, barely keep myself going even if I had gotten myself here. This isn’t funny. This isn’t adventurous its dark and depressing and I hate it. I want to run away, I want to climb in a hole. I’m on the verge of panic and I haven’t been here in years. Basically I’m throwing a temper tantrum. How on earth did I get to this point. I cant pay attention to this lecture and I don’t want to. Oh I hate it when I’m like this.  I don’t know how to be angry. I AM FURIOUS and I have no idea of what to do with it or where to put it. Oh I need a pillow to scream into and beat to a pulp. I need the Lord to stop me from flailing and hold me so tight I am forced to be still. Then I want Him to comfort me and wipe all my tears and let me rest. Ive forgotten how to rest. I’m sorry I am so the opposite of what He made me to be. I feel like a huge disappointment."

im sure anna and colleen can relate to stuff in there too... sorry im not so balanced. After my tests today i tried to talk about how burned out i am. again it was at the bottom of my powerpoint where im supposed to be listening to lecture and taking notes. but seriously from 8-5? who can pay attention that long. it came out something like this...

"I just took my second test of the day. Im pretty sure I got D-F on both of them. The bad news is I have two more tests this week. I also just turned in my second paper of the day, third paper of the week. For the first time, I feel like maybe im not cut out for this. Maybe I wont make it through this. I mean ive gone through some really tough times in regards to school, studying 20 hours and get 48%, taking 19 units of chemistry, physics, and anatomy. The lord has dragged me through these times. i know because I certainly am too weak to walk through them. I feel like my heart is going to stop beating. Like its too tired. My chest feels tight like my ribs are too tired to keep expanding with breath and that my lungs will just give up. My eyes feel like closing and never opening up again. When I say to people, I feel like dying a little bit, I actually feel like dying a lot. "How can this be you might ask? Amy is such a happy person her heart is always light and she always smiles". I don’t know, but I feel like im dying for sure. Im exhausted beyond belief. I don’t think I was made to handle this amount of stress. So I cant help but think maybe ive come this far to die in the trenches. Maybe I wont make it, I might not be strong enough, or smart enough, or just plain good enough to keep this up.You might say "whats the big deal?" Well, id love to trade places with you and see how youd do if you were where I am. Id like to see you keep up this pace, retain as much information, get this much sleep, make your head work so early 5 days a week, while still smiling and being nice to patients". Pshh! whats the big deal. Really!"

I told aubrey, my closest friend and best roommate ever, about my today. She was like, "haha, wont make it? nah, youre amy pike". my response, "that is my last name isn't it?" 

Oh and tell your kids not to worry about me. Im just being dramatic im sure. Im terribly dramatic on the inside. thats what keeps life so sane and realistic, a rich inner life. which i intend on indulging in tomorrow in the sunshine, Lord willing.

p.s. this is the first of many novel-like posts to come. if you dont like length please, dont bother.

April 4, 2008

look, im just sayin'

anna and colleen have cool ones. i even like reading them. so i thought to myself, i want one. 

im a little unsure about what to put in here so im just gonna not put that much down. after all, this is for posterity sake. i dont want to look silly or anything. but i do have high hopes and the best of intentions in exceeding blog potential. 

oh i also bought a super great pair of shoes today... shoes like this make me so happy and feel so good on my feet that i refer to such shoes as butter shoes. they feel like butter on my feet, well not literally, i mean in that "smooth like buttah" kinda way. oh and they are also "manatee" gray. 

ok fine ill keep going. this is what i see when i look outside my bedroom window from my desk. Let me tell you I spend alot of time there. so yes, that is an apple tree in bloom outside and youre right, daffodils from my room mate. im gonna go with "it must smell really good in there".