3 out of 10

so im having a really hard couple weeks. im super stressed and mostly exhausted. i have 4 tests this week and 3 papers. yuck. do they really think this kind of pace is ok? sheesh!

so after a test i took last thursday i vented at the bottom of a power point. anna said i should go ahead and put it in here. i think its pretty raw. 

"I know I’m not going to be able to remember how infuriated I am in like 5 minutes but I’m ridiculously pissed. I could cuss and scream and cry. I’m going to fail out of pt school. Who studies for a test, takes it and then it looks like she just messed her way through it? Now I have 2 classes to worry about getting B's in. I’m not cut out for this. I feel like the lord is just letting me hang out to dry. Where are you!! I’m so angry I can barely breath. I don’t ‘f’ing care about women and heart disease. Why give us a quiz that tricks you? Why would you do that? I’m not going to give feedback in class today, I’m not going to participate. I’m also not going to cry… yet. I don’t think anyone should be around me. How can I be so wretched. How can I have such a foul temper. I will be fine. God didn’t get me this far just to be like ok amy fly on your own. He never even wants me to fly on my own. I am having trouble running to him though. What’s stopping me? What’s keeping me back? I’ve got an absolutely impossible week coming up and I’m freaking out because I feel completely alone. I know that I fail when I do things on my own so I’m starting to fall into despair. I cant balance an aspect of my life independently. I didn’t even get myself this far in life, He did. So how can I carry it on without His help? I mean I could, no doubt, barely keep myself going even if I had gotten myself here. This isn’t funny. This isn’t adventurous its dark and depressing and I hate it. I want to run away, I want to climb in a hole. I’m on the verge of panic and I haven’t been here in years. Basically I’m throwing a temper tantrum. How on earth did I get to this point. I cant pay attention to this lecture and I don’t want to. Oh I hate it when I’m like this.  I don’t know how to be angry. I AM FURIOUS and I have no idea of what to do with it or where to put it. Oh I need a pillow to scream into and beat to a pulp. I need the Lord to stop me from flailing and hold me so tight I am forced to be still. Then I want Him to comfort me and wipe all my tears and let me rest. Ive forgotten how to rest. I’m sorry I am so the opposite of what He made me to be. I feel like a huge disappointment."

im sure anna and colleen can relate to stuff in there too... sorry im not so balanced. After my tests today i tried to talk about how burned out i am. again it was at the bottom of my powerpoint where im supposed to be listening to lecture and taking notes. but seriously from 8-5? who can pay attention that long. it came out something like this...

"I just took my second test of the day. Im pretty sure I got D-F on both of them. The bad news is I have two more tests this week. I also just turned in my second paper of the day, third paper of the week. For the first time, I feel like maybe im not cut out for this. Maybe I wont make it through this. I mean ive gone through some really tough times in regards to school, studying 20 hours and get 48%, taking 19 units of chemistry, physics, and anatomy. The lord has dragged me through these times. i know because I certainly am too weak to walk through them. I feel like my heart is going to stop beating. Like its too tired. My chest feels tight like my ribs are too tired to keep expanding with breath and that my lungs will just give up. My eyes feel like closing and never opening up again. When I say to people, I feel like dying a little bit, I actually feel like dying a lot. "How can this be you might ask? Amy is such a happy person her heart is always light and she always smiles". I don’t know, but I feel like im dying for sure. Im exhausted beyond belief. I don’t think I was made to handle this amount of stress. So I cant help but think maybe ive come this far to die in the trenches. Maybe I wont make it, I might not be strong enough, or smart enough, or just plain good enough to keep this up.You might say "whats the big deal?" Well, id love to trade places with you and see how youd do if you were where I am. Id like to see you keep up this pace, retain as much information, get this much sleep, make your head work so early 5 days a week, while still smiling and being nice to patients". Pshh! whats the big deal. Really!"

I told aubrey, my closest friend and best roommate ever, about my today. She was like, "haha, wont make it? nah, youre amy pike". my response, "that is my last name isn't it?" 

Oh and tell your kids not to worry about me. Im just being dramatic im sure. Im terribly dramatic on the inside. thats what keeps life so sane and realistic, a rich inner life. which i intend on indulging in tomorrow in the sunshine, Lord willing.

p.s. this is the first of many novel-like posts to come. if you dont like length please, dont bother.